If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
$4 #usedbooks
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Worst Native American name ever.