Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
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My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )