When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Damn he played himself
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Single and childfree like Jesus
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter