Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I feel seen
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.