If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children