My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
this will hang in the louvre one day
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Who’s your best friend?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Every photo I’m tagged in
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum