I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
You Might Also Like
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.