Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed