People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.