choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.