Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
These aliens are taking forever.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday