Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
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My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.