HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
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me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
wish me luck lads
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Thanks to a fan for this one.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot