“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist