I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments