Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
This kid is going places
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
having children is a pyramid scheme.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.