Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.