“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE