Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Happy Thanksgiving
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My favorite female superhero
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
#FunnyLife Insects
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Doctors texting each other.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Krampus.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself