ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
You Might Also Like
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.