This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Good morning
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]