Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.