Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.