My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing