[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Huge”.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Rambo Rambow
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.