In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man