Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
You Might Also Like
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
wait.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…