“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
You Might Also Like
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.