mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
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“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.