The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up