My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
God has left this place
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD