Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.