“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Hitlers gonna hitl
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now