If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich