this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Not all heroes wear capes….
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
The future is now.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…