Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
this article brought to you by lions
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.