When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I think this cat is broken
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.