Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.