I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.