“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
The future is now.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.