[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…