I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written