Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
You Might Also Like
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan