Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped