“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”