Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
when you are just born a rebel
Oh the world we live in…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.