normalize having existential bread
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government