BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Ain’t no way