“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
your elf on the shelf was delicious
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”