BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.